I don’t know about you guys, but I definitely hate the cold weather. Why am I still living here? What can I say; I’m a glutton for punishment. The worst part about it is the fact that it makes me lazy. Do you want to know what I do when it’s cold out? I sit around the house getting fat and watching movies. So what else do I have to talk about with you guys? It’s not like I’ve been out ghostbusting lately. When you’re watching the world through your windows, you’re not going to find too much in the ghost department (unless you live next to a graveyard). So let’s talk about movies. This being a supernatural-oriented article, we’re going to keep on topic by talking about ghosts on the big screen. Get ready for the list. I’d like to tell you that it’s organized in some intelligent fashion, but I’d be a liar if I did. This is just the order they pop out of my brain.

Thir13en ghosts– There were definitely some freaky spirits in there. I don’t know if I could handle being in that place. However, those goggles they used would make my job so much easier. I feel deprived; I want some damn eye gear! Even the Scary Movie crew got ghost goggles. What the hell? I’ll forgive that one because David Cross is the man (even when he has unexplained stains on his chin).

The Grudge– Honestly, I hated the movie. Sure, the ghosts were scary, especially that boy when he opened his mouth and made the cat noise (cats disturb me). Still, they were too violent. They just need to move on. Come on kids, just give up your grudge already and go enjoy your afterlife.

Darkness Falls– I actually liked this movie. It gave me yet another reason to be afraid of the dark. Still, it kind of downplays Jesus’ big return when even the tooth fairy can come back from the dead.

Ghost Dad– Oh Bill Cosby, how we love your silly antics. In this movie, the king of J-E-L-LO tries to continue living his life, going to work and taking care of his kids, as a ghost. Later on, we find out that it is just a prolonged out of body experience. His body was in a coma in a hospital bed, unidentified because a devil-worshipping taxi driver stole his wallet. Damn devil worshippers; how I do hate them.

The Ghost in the Darkness– Actually, despite the name, this movie has nothing to do with ghosts. It’s based on a true story about these lions that were hunting men for sport. That’s damn scary. While I’m sure it’d be extremely disturbing, I’m not too frightened of the idea of a lion eating me. On the other hand, I’m absolutely terrified of the idea of getting eaten by a cougar. Do you want to know why? It’s that damn growl/snarl noise they make. What the hell is that??? I can’t even explain the sound; it’s so quick and piercing. It’s the kind of sound that changes underwear from clean to soiled in .8 seconds. I guarantee you that a cougar could make Chuck Norris cry (Chuck Norris has the driest tear ducts known to man).

Ghost– How can you talk about ghost movies and not mention Ghost? This is every woman’s fantasy: Patrick Swayze haunting their bedroom. This flick actually brings up a cool fact about spirits. As I’ve mentioned before, a ghost is theoretically made up of nothing more than energy. With enough concentrated energy, they are able to manifest in a semi-solid state and manipulate objects. Pent up sexual frustration can be quite a motivator to stir up some sparks.

1408– Yeah, I thought this movie was awesome. How messed up would it be to find yourself stuck in this sentient room, filled with ghosts and evil to the core? I think I’d go insane. John Cusack should have stuck to making mix tapes. It’s a lot safer.

Beetlejuice– No list would be complete without including the ghost with the most. Tim Burton is an absolute genius. Micheal Keaton is the man. Stick the two together in a movie and you’ve got a staple for every DVD collection. Winona Ryder is hot no matter what film she’s in. Plus, it’s got the thin Alec Baldwin before he became the fat jerk he is today! If you’ve never seen this movie, I urge you to bang your head against a wall in shame.

White Noise– Another reason why Michael Keaton is the man. I thought this movie was awesome. As I’ve mentioned before, I have a recording of some EVP that I made up in Dudleytown. I really have to watch this movie again. The one time I saw it was on the computer and it was a crappy theater bootleg. You know the kind; where you can see people getting up and walking in front of the camera and you can hear the people yelling at the movie screen, as if the actors can hear them and will take their advice to heart and actually NOT go into that room. Anyway, the whole scene at the end with the evil spirits was just this big blur of images and muffled sounds. I have no idea what happened, and I was totally sober.

Poltergeist– One of the greatest movies of all time! Not really a movie about ghosts; this was more of a evil spirits terrorize house located on Indian burial ground type of thing. It was definitely a movie that caused a ton of bedwetting across the nation and helped to validate the fear of clowns (why anyone would buy that doll for their kids is beyond me).

The Shining– What can I say about this classic? Some ghosts are pissed off. Some ghosts are enablers who promote alcoholism and homicidal tendencies. Some ghosts just want you to come and play with them… forever!

The Frighteners– Shut up, I still think Michael J. Fox was the bomb in this movie. Who wouldn’t want ghost sidekicks?

The Other– I saw this movie for the first time up in Montreal. I watched this movie and From Hell back to back, tripping on mushrooms and not understanding a thing I was seeing. The two movies kind of bled together into one strangely related story (in my head). In truth, it’s just another story of ghosts not realizing that they are ghosts and a mom not recognizing her own flesh and blood (“but I AM your daughter”). Happens all the time.

Ghostbusters– The ultimate love of my life. If you’ve never seen it, you deserve a firing squad finale. The absence of this movie is that void you always felt in your life. I want a proton pack, I want a cool jump suit and I want to get slimed. Doe, Ray, EGON!!!

Be safe and happy hunting. Chris the Ghostbuster can be reached at