I’d like to know who’s buying those cow tongues, livers and kidneys I see for sale in the supermarket’s meat department. Are these the same people who are buying the pig’s feet and chicken claws by the dozen? If so, I’d like to be notified by a national registry if any of these people might be moving into my neighborhood. At the very least, I’d like to enroll in some sort of ‘Neighborhood Watch Program’ as soon as possible.
I can accept human consumption of a liver if it’s cooked properly, sold as liverwurst, or served with a slice of Bermuda onion, yet any person who is voluntarily eating another animal’s tongue or foot should be carefully monitored. Maybe my current diet seems a bit too traditional for modern times, but eating an animal’s tongue, foot or toenail just doesn’t seem right to me. As far as I’m concerned, people who are eating monkey brains also need an ankle bracelet. There are just way too many Progresso soups and tasty Beefaroni products on sale in the pasta aisle, inexpensive and readily available, so I’m not sure why one would think a cow tongue might taste better.
My speculation is that Fear Factor might be to blame. The television game show became an instant pop culture phenomenon by forcing competitors to munch on giant cockroaches while competing to win a $50,000 prize. Some analysts believe the show accidentally hypnotized members of its younger audience and now, with the show off the air, these Fear Factor fans walk aimlessly among the shopping aisles searching for a sheep’s brain, a breaded lamb’s head or the better half of a cooked lung or duck foot.
As far as I’m concerned,
people who are eating
monkey brains also need
an ankle bracelet. I’ve seen at least one person toss a kidney into their shopping cart as if it were nothing more than an Entenmann’s cake or a Hostess pie. These people would probably film themselves eating a dozen Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches just to put the video on “You Tube”.
As an “Ethnic American,” I do understand the variety of global recipes served throughout the world, yet I‘ve only eaten just a few of what I consider to be the peculiar ones: smoked alligator, rabbit, moose, deer and a piece of smoked eel at a sushi bar. Supposedly, I’ve eaten a Praying Mantis once as a kid (on a dare), but I’ll never admit to it since it violates Federal Law and I may be looking at jail time if I confess. I certainly don’t need to go to prison at this phase of my life, nor do I need to knowingly eat the ears, toes, or feet of any insect or animal. I can understand a beef or chicken “by product” ending up inside my “hot dog” or “chicken nugget” but I still wonder who goes home chomping on bird toes and neck bones while enjoying a homemade Italian Wedding soup made from eyeballs and pigs’ ears.
[Art by Eric Sengelen]
Eating such meats may be responsible for the creation of Miracle Whip. Many swear it’s the best sandwich spread in existence, especially those Tyrannosaurus Rex-Humans who’ll eat anything that’ll fit between two pieces of bread. It seems that if it weren’t for Miracle Whip, everything sold on one of those flimsy, blue Styrofoam trays in the supermarket might as well just taste like chicken.
I admit, it does get harder and harder to justify spending $3.39 a week for a jar of the fancy sandwich spread but a friend of mine insists the purchase is well worth it. He puts a dollop of the whipped condiment on everything he eats except his morning Cheerios. I know traditionalists insist that Miracle Whip is not a “mayonnaise,” but I disagree. I’m very clear where I stand on the mayonnaise issue and due to the Relevancy Rankings listed inside the current issue of Global Concerns of Modern Times, I will not discuss it any further. The “Miracle Whip-Mayonnaise Debate” is listed as 198th on the Problem Docket of Wordly Matters and I’ve learned to waste my time worrying about only the top 150.
I recently read in the newspaper that dirt is considered to be a nutritious food, too. If this is true then it’s only a matter of time when jars of soil will end up in the organic section of the supermarket, next to the organic slabs of pork shoulders and pig butts. And by the way, if I should ever eat a dirt and pork butt sandwich, with Miracle Whip on both pieces of bread, will somebody please call my Congressman, my mother or just put an ankle bracelet on me?
After watching others on Fear Factor eat insects, cow intestine and boiled bull testicles for a number of years, I think I may have actually been hypnotized. Who knows? One day, sooner than later, I may be tempted to travel to the Dark Side of the supermarket and pick me up some disgusting delicacies. Would I eat dirt for $50,000? It all depends if a jar of Miracle Whip was nearby. But really… can’t somebody in the world buy those poor people eating dirt some Chinese?
