by Wendipoprock

I made up a club. It’s called the “One Up” Club. I’m sure we all know those people who, no matter what you say, always have to “one up you”. They love to ask you how you are so that they can quickly jump right in and splurt out how bad they are doing compared to you. Or how much better their kid or thing or whatever is compared to yours. It’s like their words are the projectile vomiting of normal and polite conversation. One little tinge of a response from you towards their generic question and then, BLAARF!!! They don’t even listen to what you have to say because they are thinking of their next tall tale, claim to fame, or tragic event.

You tell them about the new bike you just bought your kid and they have to top your story with a bigger better one. They go on and on about how the new bike they just bought for their “Honor Student” from their husband’s brother’s cousin’s girlfriend’s parent’s shop is Eco-friendly. It has recycled gold-plated wheels, a vibrating recycled tire seat and a vanity plate that says “#1 Amazon Rain Forest Saver”. Oh, and 20% of the proceeds from the sale of the bike goes to support a dying Hindu tribe’s purchase of some new school library books about “compassion.” Top that!

You’re at work when someone says that you don’t look so good and are you feeling okay? You say that you feel a head cold coming on and your co-worker says, “Oh, that’s nothing! I have had a migraine and bronchitis for 3 weeks now, a cramp in my side and a bunion that just won’t quit”. Yeah, the One-uppers, we know them well.

I recently got into an accident and had to miss work because of it. The next day when I went in, instead of asking how I was, or if everything was alright with my car, my co-worker went on and on about the time he got into an accident how he had to pay $2000 in repairs and that his triple rear axle whachamahoozie went flyin’ out the cracked windshield like y’all never done seen! (Yeah, I work with a redneck). And he got a ticket for interfering with a police officer in the line of duty. So put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Like a mama bird, they catch the worm, chew it, swallow it, barf it out into the baby’s mouth, then do it over and over again until the baby is so full it shuts down and goes into a deep sleep. Yes, these one-uppers catch you as you pull your story, the innocent worm from the ground, to lovingly feed to your listeners and then they snatch that thing right from your lips and spew their regurgitated malarkey back out at anyone who will lend an ear. And those that don’t just go into the “uh-huh, uh-huh” trance of mindless “listening” while thinking about how the heck they can get out of this painful conversation.

After getting tired of this constant exaggeration of stories, a co-worker and I decided to see who could one-up the one-uppers the best without them realizing. I think I won. I worked in a retail-clothing store as an assistant manager, so when my manager was away I would have to run the store and report back to him. He asked how the day went yesterday while he was busy tanning. I told him three out of the six computers crashed, there was a huge line of irate customers, and the elevator broke so we had to call the repair man and pay him double time because it was a Sunday. He said, “Oh that’s nothing. Once I had ALL the computers crash, then I ran out of change and then I had to chase down 2 shoplifters with a cast on my leg.” I said, “Really? That’s amazing because once when I worked in the mall and a street gang held us up, I was on crutches too so I couldn’t run after them. The robbers took all the money from the registers, cut the phone cords so I couldn’t call mall security, and then broke my crutches so I couldn’t chase after them.” He said, “Well listen to this! A gang of hoodlums in NYC once threatened me after seeing Phantom of the Opera. They beat me and my wife down to the ground, stole our wallets and my 3 carat pinky ring and then peed all over my $1200 Italian Leather shoes”. I responded, “And that’s a bad thing? That happens to me every night on my way home. Urine is actually really good for your complexion.” It didn’t phase him one bit as he continued to spew out the torturous events unfurling around his puny and pathetic life. So I gave up. I just learned to let it go in one ear, whirl it around in my brain for a spell, make a humorous story about it, and let it come out on paper.

The one good thing about being around the one-uppers is that it teaches you not to complain. Who really wants to hear it anyway? I certainly don’t want to listen to their long painful rendition of their unfortunate life events and how they are so much worse off than me. So next time someone asks you how you are doing, do you give the programmed response of “Fine, thank you”? Or do you see how far, how radical, how outrageous your story can be and enjoy watching them try to top it? The latter sounds much more fun. Just like you can’t B.S. a B.S.-er, you can’t one-up a one-upper…unless you’re part of the club. Who wants to join me?

Valentine’s Day. The very name conjures up images of lovers celebrating their relationship by going out for a nice meal, exchanging gifts, or in some other way declaring their love for each other. Husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends – it’s a tradition that almost everyone seems to get in on, and even look forward to. But what about secret lovers? Yes, secret lovers. By most estimates somewhere between 50% and 70% of married or otherwise attached people become involved in affairs at some point in their relationships. If you include emotional infidelity and cyber infidelity, that number could rise as high as 85%. Some (perhaps most) of this number is made up of basically short-term physical encounters, but what of the rest? What about the people who are carrying on truly emotional relationships outside of their marriage or partnership? What do they do come Valentine’s Day to celebrate that bond?

That question leads to some interesting statistics. For instance, while Valentine’s Day is traditionally a very busy day for most restaurants, the day before is rumored to be even busier. Why? Because people who are cheating on their spouses can not very comfortably or safely go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day, when the married partner (or partners) in the relationship must be with their significant other. What to do? Many go out the night before – the next best thing. Of course most restaurant owners can not verify exactly who is sitting at their tables on any given night, let alone their marital status, but it is a fact that the day before Valentine’s Day rivals the following day for dinner reservations at many establishments.

Surprisingly (or maybe not so surprisingly) Valentine’s Day has become a weapon in the hands of people who believe they are victims of infidelity and even many private investigators who are hired by them. The National Retail Federation reports that Americans spend at least $13 billion each year on Valentine’s gifts, and that a large portion of that is spent by cheaters buying gifts for their secret lovers. These gifts often prove to be the undoing of the cheater since many of the gifts are bought, prepared, or delivered in person. What’s more, these purchases can leave a paper trail that a spouse or an investigator will use to catch the cheater in the act. Also, assuming that the more romantic cheaters will want to call or visit their secret lover on that special day, many spouses have taken to using GPS systems or a simple check of phone records to catch them in the act, even if their spouse has been very careful up to that point.

So who is doing all this cheating, anyway? According to Private Investigator Darren Versiga, more men hire private investigators to check on their spouse or lover as compared to women. Are more women cheating, or are more men paranoid? Traditionally, surveys regarding relationships, sexual behavior, extramarital affairs, etc., have had to be taken with a grain of salt because it is hard to trust the respondents’ answers – there are simply too many reasons to lie. For instance, a quick overview of cheating statistics comparing men to women will show that more and more women are cheating every year. But is that true? It is generally believed that going back 40, or even 30 years, more men said they had affairs to appear macho, and more women denied it to appear more proper, making the survey results skewed at best. These days, most polls still put men ahead in physical cheating, but women ahead in emotion cheating, or bonding with another man for comfort, support, etc. But according to a 2006 survey by condom makers Durex, 40% of women cheat on their lovers, compared with 34 % of men, even though men reportedly think about it significantly more.

One thing’s for certain, as people try to get more adept at having secret affairs without getting caught, others are fast becoming more adept at catching them cold. Sometimes, this can entail the simplest things. According to the U.S. Greeting Card Association, approximately one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide (women purchase approximately 85%), making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year next to Christmas. Of course, what is mailed, must be received, and some times that’s all it takes – the wrong envelope from the wrong sender in the wrong mailbox, at home or at work (where many affairs begin).

How strongly is Valentine’s Day associated with affairs? A Valentine’s Day Infidelity Awareness Campaign was started four years ago in Houston, Texas specifically to raise awareness of this link. Each year the campaign focuses on another way to catch cheaters in the act.

So where are we? What’s PC now will not be PC tomorrow. Will, “Have a Happy Other Valentine’s Day,” ever become a proper greeting? Probably not. But you do have to ask… is this large number of affairs happening all around us a sign that romance is dead, or proof that it is flourishing, albeit in some very awkward ways? I suppose the answer lies in which day you’re celebrating… Valentine’s Day, or the other.