According to the person who recently rang my doorbell, the “End of the World” is scheduled to happen sometime during the year 2012. Since this person was actually quite compelling and convincing, I circled the year on my calendar and stocked a few cases of fruit cocktail in my basement just in case a global, nuclear mishap or an unfortunate natural disaster of cataclysmic proportions extinguishes life on Earth, as we currently understand it to be.

I plan on buying more fruit cocktail in the future because my family needs it to eat and the only natural enemy of fruit cocktail is a can opener. I assume the can would be able to survive a nuclear attack with the hopes that my family and I would ration the pear halves, peach pieces and maraschino cherries well beyond the initial radiation effects of Armageddon. According to a recent news broadcast, this may be sooner than 2012 since the honeybee population is in rapid decline across the globe and the price of fruit cocktail is currently as high as a rectangular watermelon sold in Japan.

“The possible extinction of the honey bee is a real threat within the next few years. Without the honeybee … there will be no flowering of fruit trees …there will be no fruit cocktail …and it is expected that humankind will only be able to survive on Earth for four years….”

This information off the AP wire is alarming. Had I known that the honeybees and their hexagonal hives could possibly negatively affect the price of fruit cocktail, I would have stockpiled more cans in my basement a long time ago. Instead, I’ve been spending all my time trying to solve the Rubik’s cube without having very much luck. I remember when I was a kid, I actually dismantled the Rubik’s Cube with a screwdriver just to say, “I solved it.” Now, I’m considering melting the toy on my gas grill or, better yet, I think I’ll watch the colors bubble inside of my microwave.

Don’t get me wrong, I like the Rubik’s cube, not as much as I like fruit cocktail, but I’ve been a fan of the game since it first surfaced in the 1980’s. A month ago, I bought a new cube at the local mall with the hopes that my son might, one day, enjoy his own twists and turns. However, now I’m addicted to the same damn thing I played with over 20 years ago and now I’m beginning to wonder if the time and energy I’ve invested in solving this silly, little toy has any direct impact on the future of my own survival.

Assume Armageddon happened right now. Let’s say a volcano erupted and suddenly buried the world in a thick, choking cloud of igneous dust that lasted for days. Imagine if all life instantly became extinct, and everyone’s last moments were frozen, like the statue of Walt Disney feeding birds outside the Magic Kingdom. Then imagine a team of futuristic archeologists sifting through the rubble to search for us all: the inhabitants of the lost “Plastic Crap” civilization. If they excavated my house, they would find me frozen beneath the volcanic rock, sitting on my couch, in position to eat a can of fruit cocktail with a spoon as an unsolved Rubik’s Cube sits nearby on a tattered seat cushion.

Aside from the end of the world, I really can’t complain about much. I’m feeling pretty good even though I’m fat. I know I’m fat, but I’m on a diet so it’s okay. I know I’m on a diet because I eat fruit cocktail religiously and I bought a 99% egg product for the first time. I still don’t know what the difference is between a brown egg and a white egg but I suddenly feel like I’m an expert in alternative egg products.

I like eating regular eggs so maybe I buy “99%” products because I think I’m in some sort of secret club: the “99%” club. Maybe the food companies should be more direct with their labeling. “If you are fat, eat this crap and you will be skinny.” I prefer direct marketing. I only hope this current health conscious craziness leads me to shedding 20 pounds either before summer or Armageddon…whichever comes first. If I can lose the weight I’m sure I’ll be able to find the 99% of the honeybee population we’ve accidentally misplaced. Then I won’t have to go on a crusade around the world to pollinate the world’s flowers. It’s time to face the consequences for my actions and realize that if 99% of my time is spent playing with the Rubik’s Cube then I probably won’t be eating fruit cocktail ever again. It’s time to prioritize what I really want out of life because the next time my doorbell rings, it just may be a giant honeybee who is really telling me, “It’s the end of the world as we know it.”