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I Didn’t Know Santa Had a Horn
Somebody honked their horn at me the other day and I wasn’t sure who it was or why they did it. So, I did what any other sensibly licensed driver in the State of Connecticut would do while stuck in Holiday, rush-hour traffic. I immediately slammed on the breaks of my car and slowed to a steady crawl just to irritate my fellow driver.
The horn-happy driver behind me continued his honking so I returned the Holiday message with a “beep, beep, beeeeeepppp,” and a “beep, beep, beep” of my own. The honking continued back and forth for so long, we must have sounded like two male geese trying to mate with the same Canadian goose. Eventually, the beeping subsided, I sped up, he sped up and we played a short version of the finger game as the driver passed me on the left, I passed him on the right and then, finally, he passed me on the left. I decided not to give chase, but I did determine that, somehow, I was indeed the momentary winner of our little game.
Then I began thinking about the invention of Morse code and how it might be a beneficial requirement to pass the State Driving Test. Just think, if all drivers knew Morse code then perhaps we could engage in meaningful moments of human communication by honking as a combined understanding of universal language rather than just a simply and convenient way to blurt out a bunch of b-flats. Below, I’ve described five possible honking sequences and a possible Morse code-style series of dots and dashes that represent the length of each beep.
“. . - -”
Possible Definition: “Excuse me, Sir? Could I please have your attention? I’ve been following you fairly closely for quite some time now and you haven’t been traveling very fast. As a matter of fact, you don’t really appear to be in any kind of rush at all. Apparently, I do happen to be in more of a rush than you, for which I apologize, but if you don’t mind, could you please pull over to the side of the road, kind Sir, just so I could just sneak by you? Thanks a lot.”
“- - - - .”
Possible Definition: “Excuse me, Maam. I certainly don’t mean to interrupt your phone conversation, but the light has been green for quite some time now and, if you don’t mind, could you please get off the telephone and step on the gas? My crying 2 year-old would certainly appreciate it.”
“_______”
Possible Definiton: “I’m not sure how to put this since you seem like a very lovely woman, but someone may have to remove me from your windshield if you don’t move your car right now. In about 2 seconds, I will be jumping out of my window and then I will have trouble refraining from additional irrational behavior. Could you kindly either pull over to the side of the road, or call a tow truck to assist you so I may move forward at this moment of my life and not risk a lengthy term of imprisonment for a violent crime I will regret?” This series of horn honking is probably the most used by the chronic road rager.
“- - ____”
Possible Definition: “Excuse me, Sir, I have been patient with you while waiting at this light, but now just seems like the correct time to move along. If you don’t decide to step on the gas shortly and move forward, our bumpers will be permanently connected very soon.”
“. . . . - . .”
Possible Definition: This Morse Code series could also be considered the most popular on the road as it follows the more familiar and friendly “shave and a haircut” rhythm. However, if used in a more whole-noted tone, the honk could easily be used to say, “I really enjoyed our first date, but I got no game and was hoping by honking this cute little beat as we get in our car and go our separate ways, you’d consider a dinner and a movie next Friday.”
The State’s Department of Motor Vehicle may find this type of communication among drivers to be most beneficial to society in the long term. It sure beats strapping a message board to the roof of your car and typing in exactly how you feel for all of the world to see. But it does pay to think twice before causing a ruckus on the roads with your tooter. You just never know how crazy or what the other driver might be thinking…or packing. At the very least, just take a look in your rear view mirror before you honk during the Holidays. I mean, how was I supposed to know Santa and his sleigh was in a rush that day to get to the mall?
